I remembered this story the other day and felt the need to share. Why is middle school the most awkward time ever?
When I was 13 I received my very first (and ONLY) Valentine from a cute boy that I liked. His name was Ben and I was so excited. I got him a hat of a sports team that he liked and something for tennis or soccer or some random sport that he played.
His mom drove him over to my house and we sat on the couch to exchange gifts. He had asked me what I would like and I told him I liked chocolate and stuffed animals! Which is cliche, but very very true. So what did he get me? A stuffed animal with chocolate tied to it in pink ribbon! They had beautiful ribbon curls so his mom either wrapped it or he ended up being gay. Knowing me, it was probably the latter.
I, like any other thirteen year old, was gushing over the stuffed animal when I went to give it a hug. It was a small bunny and I remember thinking it was sooo cute...until it squeaked. I paused and examined the fabric and the fact that the squeaker was very high pitched and took up most of the animal. It took me a few minutes to realize that he had not given me a stuffed animal. Oh no.
It was a dog toy.
He later told me he found it at Kroger...near the dog food. So. Yeah.
...Ten years later I still remember that day! Excited little me sitting on the couch, receiving a dog toy as a valentine.
February 16, 2011
February 2, 2011
There's Something About Macy's
Okay. So, working in the mall, a lot of my customers are mall employees. This can be good and bad, depending on the day. They all understand that customers can be a real pain in the ass, so are sometimes forgiving when I'm in a bad mood. Unfortunately most stores give their employees breaks at the same time and I get swamped with people telling me they only have fifteen minutes and will I please hurry up. Sometimes I want to inform them that I don't GET breaks, which is, in fact, illegal. BUT I don't mention it. I usually have nice talks with the mall people and like it when they come by to say hi.
Then there are the Macy's employees.
Woo boy. I get it, Macy's SUCKS. I've known several people that worked there during school and wanted to shoot themselves in the head. This store opens first, closes last, and doesn't care about their employees one bit. This makes them bitter and hateful people. They bring their bitterness to my coffee hut and enjoy taking it out on me. Here's the deal. Working in the Macy's shoe department does not put you up on a hire playing field. You are still down here in "crappy minimum wage day job" land with me.
I have this one lady that comes by several times a week to get a soy white mocha with no whip cream and she is scary. She's probably about 35...maybe 40. It's hard to tell because she's had about four face lifts, 300 injections of botox, her lips plumped, and kind of just looks like a big stick of shiny plastic. She can't smile anymore because her face doesn't really move so clearly she is just...not happy. ANYWAY. She comes by every night and is just SO PICKY with everything. Her milk needs to be 154 degrees (IMPOSSIBLE) and she also wants two cups, three chocolate covered coffee beans, and a drink holder for her ONE DRINK. THEN she wants free stamps for her punch card and free cream cheese for her bagel because she comes by every shift and we should just give her free things. When you tell her no to these free things, she starts yelling about how we are not loyal to our customers. Um. I do not wince at her face when the light from our hut bounces off the plastic. I've stopped staring at her with my mouth open when she is walking away. I have NOT mentioned that doing the whole soy thing with white mocha is stupid because white mocha has dairy in it...I mean. THAT IS LOYALTY.
Another lady that comes by all the time always tells me that she's going to teach me a lesson for being rude by stealing my tip jar(I'm never rude to her, btw. But I sure would love to be one day! Tell her her purple hair is ugly and that she can get her friggin dollar fifty cup of coffee somewhere else). EVERY DAY she comes by and goes "Young woman, you should not leave this open, I'm going to steal it from you. You can't just leave the tips out here, everyone will take them. You're not going to make any money that way." One day I was so overwhelmed by the line of people and her spouting at me that I just looked at her and said, "MA'AM I AM SORRY OKAY?!" And she just kept lecturing about the darn tip jar. Honestly, I've had tips stolen once. In six months. ONCE. Generally people are trust worthy, and if it ever goes missing, I'm going to stomp into Macy's and demand she give it back.
Then there is the guy that orders a hazelnut latte and comes back every day asking if he can have a free refill. No. No you can't. Macy's people really like free stuff. I mean, I would NEVER walk into their store, pick up a towel and go, "I'm buying this one...so you're going to give me this other one for free." Like. I just don't get it.
Just...never work at Macy's. You will be a better person for it.
Then there are the Macy's employees.
Woo boy. I get it, Macy's SUCKS. I've known several people that worked there during school and wanted to shoot themselves in the head. This store opens first, closes last, and doesn't care about their employees one bit. This makes them bitter and hateful people. They bring their bitterness to my coffee hut and enjoy taking it out on me. Here's the deal. Working in the Macy's shoe department does not put you up on a hire playing field. You are still down here in "crappy minimum wage day job" land with me.
I have this one lady that comes by several times a week to get a soy white mocha with no whip cream and she is scary. She's probably about 35...maybe 40. It's hard to tell because she's had about four face lifts, 300 injections of botox, her lips plumped, and kind of just looks like a big stick of shiny plastic. She can't smile anymore because her face doesn't really move so clearly she is just...not happy. ANYWAY. She comes by every night and is just SO PICKY with everything. Her milk needs to be 154 degrees (IMPOSSIBLE) and she also wants two cups, three chocolate covered coffee beans, and a drink holder for her ONE DRINK. THEN she wants free stamps for her punch card and free cream cheese for her bagel because she comes by every shift and we should just give her free things. When you tell her no to these free things, she starts yelling about how we are not loyal to our customers. Um. I do not wince at her face when the light from our hut bounces off the plastic. I've stopped staring at her with my mouth open when she is walking away. I have NOT mentioned that doing the whole soy thing with white mocha is stupid because white mocha has dairy in it...I mean. THAT IS LOYALTY.
Another lady that comes by all the time always tells me that she's going to teach me a lesson for being rude by stealing my tip jar(I'm never rude to her, btw. But I sure would love to be one day! Tell her her purple hair is ugly and that she can get her friggin dollar fifty cup of coffee somewhere else). EVERY DAY she comes by and goes "Young woman, you should not leave this open, I'm going to steal it from you. You can't just leave the tips out here, everyone will take them. You're not going to make any money that way." One day I was so overwhelmed by the line of people and her spouting at me that I just looked at her and said, "MA'AM I AM SORRY OKAY?!" And she just kept lecturing about the darn tip jar. Honestly, I've had tips stolen once. In six months. ONCE. Generally people are trust worthy, and if it ever goes missing, I'm going to stomp into Macy's and demand she give it back.
Then there is the guy that orders a hazelnut latte and comes back every day asking if he can have a free refill. No. No you can't. Macy's people really like free stuff. I mean, I would NEVER walk into their store, pick up a towel and go, "I'm buying this one...so you're going to give me this other one for free." Like. I just don't get it.
Just...never work at Macy's. You will be a better person for it.
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