February 16, 2011

Valentine Fail

I remembered this story the other day and felt the need to share. Why is middle school the most awkward time ever?

When I was 13 I received my very first (and ONLY) Valentine from a cute boy that I liked. His name was Ben and I was so excited. I got him a hat of a sports team that he liked and something for tennis or soccer or some random sport that he played.

His mom drove him over to my house and we sat on the couch to exchange gifts. He had asked me what I would like and I told him I liked chocolate and stuffed animals! Which is cliche, but very very true. So what did he get me? A stuffed animal with chocolate tied to it in pink ribbon! They had beautiful ribbon curls so his mom either wrapped it or he ended up being gay. Knowing me, it was probably the latter.

I, like any other thirteen year old, was gushing over the stuffed animal when I went to give it a hug. It was a small bunny and I remember thinking it was sooo cute...until it squeaked. I paused and examined the fabric and the fact that the squeaker was very high pitched and took up most of the animal. It took me a few minutes to realize that he had not given me a stuffed animal. Oh no.

It was a dog toy.

He later told me he found it at Kroger...near the dog food. So. Yeah.

...Ten years later I still remember that day! Excited little me sitting on the couch, receiving a dog toy as a valentine.

February 2, 2011

There's Something About Macy's

Okay. So, working in the mall, a lot of my customers are mall employees. This can be good and bad, depending on the day. They all understand that customers can be a real pain in the ass, so are sometimes forgiving when I'm in a bad mood. Unfortunately most stores give their employees breaks at the same time and I get swamped with people telling me they only have fifteen minutes and will I please hurry up. Sometimes I want to inform them that I don't GET breaks, which is, in fact, illegal. BUT I don't mention it. I usually have nice talks with the mall people and like it when they come by to say hi.

Then there are the Macy's employees.

Woo boy. I get it, Macy's SUCKS. I've known several people that worked there during school and wanted to shoot themselves in the head. This store opens first, closes last, and doesn't care about their employees one bit. This makes them bitter and hateful people. They bring their bitterness to my coffee hut and enjoy taking it out on me. Here's the deal. Working in the Macy's shoe department does not put you up on a hire playing field. You are still down here in "crappy minimum wage day job" land with me.

I have this one lady that comes by several times a week to get a soy white mocha with no whip cream and she is scary. She's probably about 35...maybe 40. It's hard to tell because she's had about four face lifts, 300 injections of botox, her lips plumped, and kind of just looks like a big stick of shiny plastic. She can't smile anymore because her face doesn't really move so clearly she is just...not happy. ANYWAY. She comes by every night and is just SO PICKY with everything. Her milk needs to be 154 degrees (IMPOSSIBLE) and she also wants two cups, three chocolate covered coffee beans, and a drink holder for her ONE DRINK. THEN she wants free stamps for her punch card and free cream cheese for her bagel because she comes by every shift and we should just give her free things. When you tell her no to these free things, she starts yelling about how we are not loyal to our customers. Um. I do not wince at her face when the light from our hut bounces off the plastic. I've stopped staring at her with my mouth open when she is walking away. I have NOT mentioned that doing the whole soy thing with white mocha is stupid because white mocha has dairy in it...I mean. THAT IS LOYALTY.

Another lady that comes by all the time always tells me that she's going to teach me a lesson for being rude by stealing my tip jar(I'm never rude to her, btw. But I sure would love to be one day! Tell her her purple hair is ugly and that she can get her friggin dollar fifty cup of coffee somewhere else). EVERY DAY she comes by and goes "Young woman, you should not leave this open, I'm going to steal it from you. You can't just leave the tips out here, everyone will take them. You're not going to make any money that way." One day I was so overwhelmed by the line of people and her spouting at me that I just looked at her and said, "MA'AM I AM SORRY OKAY?!" And she just kept lecturing about the darn tip jar. Honestly, I've had tips stolen once. In six months. ONCE. Generally people are trust worthy, and if it ever goes missing, I'm going to stomp into Macy's and demand she give it back.

Then there is the guy that orders a hazelnut latte and comes back every day asking if he can have a free refill. No. No you can't. Macy's people really like free stuff. I mean, I would NEVER walk into their store, pick up a towel and go, "I'm buying this one...so you're going to give me this other one for free." Like. I just don't get it.

Just...never work at Macy's. You will be a better person for it.

January 20, 2011

I'm Actually Smart...

People don't listen to me. Like...seriously, most of the time I know what I'm talking about and people REALLY don't listen to me. Customers that come and lecture me about something on our menu that isn't made the "right way" (aka the Starbucks way...which is really not the right way, they burn most of their espresso drinks and their macchiato is a LIE) just make me mad. Being a Barista isn't like my dream job or anything, but I still know what I'm talking about.

Friends that ask me for advice generally don't listen to me either. I'm right...just go with that thought. ;D

The other day my boss' husband swung by the shop to drop off some stuff/fix a pipe that was broken. While he was there he was trying to put a new mop head on our mop. I watched him as he got out the pliers and started BANGING on the mop in an attempt to get it to separate...but it wasn't working. I picked up the directions and held them to him.

"Kelly...it says you need to push that handle in and then pull to the left."

"Right." He decided to turn it over and bang on the other end instead. "This thing is always so difficult."

I stared at him for a moment, throwing an apologetic look to anyone that had to walk by and deal with the noise. "Yeah it might be easier if you push that handle in...and pull to the left."

"No I don't need to do that" He said as he pulled the hammer from the drawer.

"Kelly, these are the directions."

"Jordan why don't you go dump the water bucket, okay? I'll fix the mop."

FINE. Fine. He banged on that stupid mop for twenty minutes and then when he finally got the old mop head free, it took him another ten minutes to get the new mop head on because he would not read the directions. While doing this, he broke off part of the mop and stared at me for a moment. "You girls don't use this part anyway, right? It's just a sweepy thing."

"No, Kelly, it's okay that you broke it."

"I didn't break it, you just don't need it on there."

I do not understand. Banging on something with a tool does not make it work. He left and I just laughed...we must have looked ridiculous. Here's this grown man banging on a mop with some pliers and a hammer and a puzzled looking girl holding the directions and trying to get a word in.

After he was gone, I pushed the handle in and pulled to the left and the mop head came right off. I am a genius. By the way I have to be awake in six hours. WHY AM I BLOGGING INSTEAD OF SLEEPING?

I like to type in all caps sometimes.

January 14, 2011

It's New!

The year is new...and I started everything off with quite a bang by getting in a car wreck on New Year's Eve. So. That was fun.

Another exciting thing that happened is that we got bombarded with snow here in TN. I'd say it was about four inches at my house...of course I'm measuring that by how much of the puppies are hidden when they go run around outside. Nothing scientific, really.

I thoroughly enjoy the snow and always have. Unfortunately, the one friend that was stuck with me while it was snowy does NOT enjoy it so much...and was forced to play outside with me anyway.

Taylor bundled himself up in my dad's snow gear from like...1990 and we headed outside with a sponge sled that still had the tag on it. Taylor humored me and sledded down our giant hill once...but once he realized that snow was indeed going to get in his clothes and it was not pleasant, he decided to retreat to a safe area and build a snowman.

That's Svetlana. The snow woman visiting from Russia. Since it's much colder in Russia, she didn't see any reason to bring a scarf. She's still hanging out by the mail box, greeting any postal worker that happens to drive by.

Later that night, after getting bored of the house, we ventured the icy roads and made our way to the happiest place on Earth. Kroger. Sure enough, as soon as we walked inside we noticed that bread, milk, and eggs were all in very short supply. Any amount of accumulation in TN makes people believe that we WILL be stuck in our homes for the rest of our lives and we better have enough bread to make french toast, bread pudding, and lots of sandwiches all at the same time. (BTW - sandwich is like...the hardest word in the world for me to spell. I don't know why, I never get it right).

The snow is still on the ground and that means all grocery stores and targets are sold out of everything. The town of Brentwood has been invaded by these strange snow people that have taken to living in front yards, and I think those Uggs girls wear with mini skirts down here are finally being used as snow boots!!!

December 23, 2010

Deck the Halls



I'm a big fan of tradition...mostly because I think change is really god awful and tradition means nothing changes. :D Christmas time for me is like a big tradition. We have a big tree, we open presents from youngest to oldest, my mom makes her Christmas fudge, and things are just good. Working really long hours lately has been pretty bad, but hopefully the mall will die down in a week or two.

I really need to start writing my post ideas down. When I'm driving, I'll start writing posts in my head and then I get home and have forgotten what I was going to write about. That's happened a few times now, actually. Woops.

My show is now over and I am very happy about that. Now after (or before) work, I actually have time to DO THINGS. Yay. I guess I should get used to being busy though. Until I get cast in a show that pays enough to support me, I'm probably going to be pulling long days for a while...having a day job and then going and doing a show at night is rough. Thankfully I get lots of free coffee. :)

I'm just going to end this post now because it's pretty lame and pointless.

December 9, 2010


WHOA. Let's talk about how busy I've been. REALLY BUSY. Sorry, I'm sure there are like 100 crazy customer stories I could tell, but...I can't quite remember what they all are right now.

I do know that one really mean customer can ruin my whole day. I don't know why, but mean people really upset me. I know I can be sarcastic and such....but I am never blatantly RUDE to people. I like to think that I am generally a good person. I wrote this in my Senior thesis...just because I'm paid nine dollars an hour, does not mean I am WORTH nine dollars an hour. I am not a nine dollar an hour human being. I deserve to be treated like a real person.

I had a lady the other day that was just so rude to me, I almost walked out from behind my register and smacked her. I wanted to tell her that she was fat and ugly and that being MEAN on top of that probably meant she didn't have many friends and that she wasn't making any at my coffee stand by telling us we were all idiots. But I didn't. Because I have manners. Do people not realize that if they are mean to me I WILL make their drink decaf with half of the sugar they requested? I'll do it. You want coffee? TOUGH.

Also...is it customary to tell people Happy Hanukkah no matter what? Cuz I've gotten that a lot lately. Do I look Jewish? Are people in TN so confused by their Baptist ways that they see a pale girl with brown hair and assume Jewish? Just wondering...

Merry Whatever. :D

November 13, 2010

The Show Must Go On...?

So. Last night was the opening night of the Christmas musical I'm in. I thought my biggest problem would be my singing. I'm getting over a cold and some of my high notes aren't quite what I want them to be yet. Going on stage for my number, I had a pounding heart as I considered how dry it was on stage. This...was not the biggest problem I encountered during my time on stage.

Oh no, a dry throat would have been NICE.

I'm there...singin' my song about angels. My voice isn't sucking, so I'm kind of happy about that. However, I notice something out of the corner of my eye...my 84 year old cast mate, Betty, is entering. She's not supposed to enter until AFTER my song. I'm not near the end of the song...is she going to come on stage and start doing her lines over my song? That would be weird.

She never quite got there, though.

To get on stage through the "front door" of the set, you have to walk up these tall steps. Betty USUALLY has someone behind her helping her up, but today she had entered way too early and that person had not realized she was gone. On Betty's way up the stairs, she started to wobble. Before I know it she has fallen off of the steps and crashed into the table below her (It's a dinner theatre, ya know). I have seen the whole thing, gasp, stop singing, and stand on stage with my mouth wide open.

Luckily, the children that do a bit of back up for me, kept going. So at least the 7 year olds were professionals...

Literally, I just stood there. Like a fish. Mouth wide open and staring at Betty, who is insisting to everyone around her that she is okay. Her son was in the play and he jumped off stage to make sure she was alright. Betty is okay, luckily. She could have seriously hurt herself...she has a new entrance now from the back of the stage. We're pretending The Waffle House has a "back entrance" now.

What a night. I didn't have to worry about my high notes...I never sang them! Six more weeks to get the show perfect. :D